"I", said the pig?

I finally bought the children a Little Pe*ples nativity. They were tired of trying to position the stuffed figures in our play nativity that kept falling over and kept trying to play with mine.

I've been eyeing it for years, but it was a tad expensive (I'm actually peeved the the Fish*r Price website has this listed for $33 and I paid $40 at Walmart and mine doesn't have the backdrop piece.) The children, however, were thrilled.

They sat beside me eagerly assisting as I removed the baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, wise men, camel, shepherd, angel, goat, donkey, cart, pig... PIG???!!!!

I shook my head in disbelief and amusement and couldn't stop snickering, A pig at a nativity scene. No cow like the one in the picture above, or listed on the box. But a pig. And it wasn't exactly a fluke because the box actually had a pig pictured, rather than the listed cow, too.

I called Fish*r Price to tell them of my kid's delight, and to suggest that they might want to consider returning to the idea of a cow at this Jewish manger scene. The lady on the phone became rather amused as well as it sunk in how very out of place a pig would be in a Jewish stable. After she asked if I would like to have the Hanukkah version...of what? a nativity???!!!

I didn't go there. I just communicated that while we loved our nativity toy and would find an animal in our collection to replace the pig, there may be some Jewish Christians that might buy this in the future and go, "what the heck???!!!" with a little less amusement. She agreed that they really ought to try to correct this.

So I guess this is what happens when you buy an American nativity toy made in China. You get a pig in the stable. At least it happened to me and not to Joseph. That really would have been the last straw.

Funny Forward

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose oflaxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

The "Short" Shopping Trip

The Family Dollar and Bi-Lo are side by side. I wanted to look for the same (late) birthday present for my sister-in-law that I've been looking for for a few weeks. A pretty photo type box for storing letters and several pretty packs of notecards. (Have you noticed that, whatever you decide to buy as a gift for someone is always everywhere in plain view until you decide that it's exactly what you want to get , then suddenly, you can't find it anywhere.) And then I was going to pay a bill at Bi-Lo and pick up a short list of five things. Did I mention that I had three kids with me? Let's begin now.

Exit van, cross parking lot, "can we ride on the merry-go-round?", no quarters.

In dollar store, Ethan stops at shoe bin, flashing flip-flops, they're cool, searching for sizes, Rose takes off ballet flats to try them on, too small, back to looking for present.

Find only one pack of notecards, try to continue down aisle, "mom, look at this", "see this", "can we get this"

"If you ask for it, the answer is 'no' " (haven't I said this before)

"Look at this" (picks it up), pass shoe shelf, Rose has shoes off again to try on adult flip-flops, put shoes back on (did I mention they're a pain to put on)

"No one is to pick up anything else." Each one picks up one more thing. Informed that I've begun a tally for each infraction, now standing at 1 and 1, Mom finally wins a round.

"Who are we shopping for?", "Aunt Kristy", find beautiful storage box

"Mom, look at this", am I crazy?, "I said the answer is 'no' ", "It's not for us, Mom, it's for you", "Thanks, but the only thing that I want is to get out of this store."

Eventually we make it out of that store. Stop at merry-go-round with perfect $.50 change. Head to Bi-Lo. Put girls in cart.

Go to bill counter, "Mom can we get a [free] cookie", pay bill, get cookies, debate over rotisserie chicken flavors, compare sizes, "ooo, broccoli", Ethan weighs chicken just for fun, choose apple slices over melon cubes, Ethan weighs those too (even though they're packaged and the weight is marked).

On to the sample guy with his delicious sauteed veggies and chicken. We all love it, except Rose who doesn't like veggies or chicken (or anything else, really, except breakfast, PBJ, and bananas). Add seasoning to the list. Try it on the chips...

"AHH!" "Too spicy!" "We need a drink" "Where's the water fountain" "I don't know" Catch up with the pharmacists (that we, thankfully, haven't seen much this year). Find fountain. Get everyone a drink. Go to spice aisle. Can't find spice. Get it from sample guy. Back to original list. Get pull-ups. "Ooo, I really want poptarts." "Not this time."

Okay, Scotch toilet scrubbers. Do they have them? "What are they?" "What do they look like?" Show picture on coupon. "Is this it?" Give up. Get milk.

On spying a grapefruit juice carton Ethan: "See, Anna, I told you that there were red lemons" Me: "They're pink grapefruit, not lemons, and they're called Ruby Reds."

Head toward batteries. No button cells. Look around elsewhere. Sick of looking. want to go home. Forget button cells - Walmart another day. Get in line.

Anna: "Look, Mom, are those poptarts? I really want poptarts" "They're not poptarts." "I think they are, Mom, can you go look?" "I can see them, they're not and we aren't getting poptarts today."

Ethan: "Ooo, Mom, this cereal has an Indiana Jones spoon in it. "Oh?" "Can I bring it to you?" "Honey, you can't eat it. It has gluten" "Please, Mom, just check it." "It has gluten." "Please..." "Fine, bring it... It has gluten." "That's okay, you guys can eat it and then I can have the spoon." "I don't even know how much it is." I go to find the price. Why am I doing this? I don't even want this. Am I really losing it? $3.57. "I am not paying $3.57 for cereal just to get a spoon." "Please." "I'll get it on sale or at Walmart later, if I can."

Finally. Check out....

One and a half hours.

That lady tried to kill me

And she almost succeeded. I have a love/hate relationship with Denise Austin. I really like her perky ways and encouraging words. Usually. But tonight I hopped back on the exercise train by trying a different workout. Shrink Your Female Fat Zones. Well, something better shrink - and fast, because that exercise routine could count as torture.

And she just kept smiling.

"You're looking good." Are you kidding? They could make a best-selling comedy of me trying to get into the right position on this under-inflated stability ball. And why do they call it a stability ball anyway, because it felt far from stable as it kept rolling me sideways while I pretended to do crunches.

"That's my trouble zone too." Can I smack you now? There is no trouble zone on your perfectly sculpted body. The only thing perfectly sculpted on me are my eyebrows.

"Ooo, this stretch is one of my favorites. It feels so good." No, Denise, it hurts like crazy. It is not my favorite, none of them are my favorite, the end of your video (if I had made it that far) would be my favorite.

I'm going on a cruise in just a few weeks, Denise, and this torture had better live up to its name. Because I'll be back for more tomorrow, and if you say, "now give me a smile" one more time, I'm going to stick my tongue out.

There's a Mouse LIVING in my House!

Did you a have a good Christmas? Yes, my was fine to thank you...more on that later - I HAVE A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE!!!! This is getting serious. You see, it's been here for a month. I can't get rid of it. It steals the food from the traps and never gets caught. And it's not even scared of us anymore. Not much, anyway. It's started to run across the house in broad daylight. I've seen it five times today. I can't do the dishes. Or use my microwave. Or sit on the floor. Not when that dirty creature is running around. I'm living in a state of paranoia.


I've set two new traps today. They'd better catch that mouse. I try to be a humane person. I even tried a live trap (they've worked before). But I'm warning that mouse. If those traps don't humanely end his life soon, I'm going to resort to those horrendous glue traps. And I'm going to try not to feel guilty about it.


I was telling a friend about my problem (after I screamed "Get out! I HATE YOU!!" in her ear while I was on the phone with her because that stupid mouse ran past), and she told me that her brother-in-law had used a glue trap and didn't know how to kill the mouse, so he took it out and tried running over it with his car. But, of course, the trap stuck to his tire and every time he drove, it bumped...


Meanwhile, Anna Kate's imploring, "No, Mommy, don't kill it. I want it for a pet."


I want it dead.