We've been round and round with a lot of health issues. Brian got really sick when Anna Kate was two weeks old and was eventually out of work for a month pretty much drugged up and writhing in pain with the doctor's telling us that it was IBS and he should learn to live with it. It wasn't. He had a slow burning gallbladder infection and recovered from his three month ordeal rather quickly after its removal. A second downward spiral occurred about the time I got pregnant with Rose and continued to worsen until a couple of months after she was born. Fibromyalgia was the eventual diagnosis this time, and all of the "help" from medical doctors served to only make it worse. Those are very long stories, but the reason I shared was to explain one thing I learned. I didn't learn it then, but I understand it now. Trusting God.
I was overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do. Both times I had to research and go over medical files and find what the doctors wouldn't take the time to look for. Find answers. And take care of my family. And it was stressful. And someone would say, "trust God. He has a plan. He's going to work this together for your good." "Right," I'd think, "this is definitely looking like it's for my good." "I know what kind of good God does. He lets fathers become incapacitated. He lets mothers die. He lets children get cancer. But I know that He has done so much for me in purchasing my eternal salvation. I get that. And I'm grateful. But the trusting Him for stuff right now part? Way out of my grasp. I just don't get that. What am I supposed to trust Him for?"
Some people think that He's going to always do something good in your life if you just trust. A Joel Olsteen kind of good. Your "best life now" kind of good. And I knew that wasn't true. I'd seen friends lose their children. I'd seen unsaved loved ones die and go to hell. I'd read of Christians across the world being totured and killed. That obviously wasn't it. So what the heck was I supposed to be trusting him about?!
I thought of the situation in terms of a father and child. I trust my Daddy. He's a steelworker /preacher. He's big and he's strong. When you're with him, nothing is going to hurt you. In a normal crowd of men, he could take any one of them. And he would die for me. Without a second thought. He madeall of his decisions regarding me with an eye on my protection. Nothing was allowed to hurt me. No one would have that chance. I was not allowed to be anywhere he deemed unsafe, and no young man was ever allowed to break my heart. I was protected. (I might have said suffocated.) But this is someone you can trust. Then I would try to compare this to my heavenly Father. And the disconnect was unbelievable. If my Dad had it in his power to prevent me from being in an accident, he would. He would have saved my Pap. He would have fixed my husband's body. I was sure he would if he could. But God didn't. I don't remember this being so much a crisis of faith as an inability to do what good Christians do. I was willing, but had no idea how to trust God. I decided trusting God was about it all working out in eternity, and that's about as far as my understanding went.
I know that I still have a lot to learn, but now I see that trusting God is trusting Him to conform us to the image of His Son. That trusting God is believing that He does all things for His glory. That if I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness then that is all I will want. And that's what I'll get. And the pieces come together. That everything God does is good. No matter what. You can trust that. And it can change the way you live now, because you can know that everything is under his control and He has a reason. And that reason is His glory.
When someone asks Brian how he's doing (and he feels postiviely awful), he says, "Better than I deserve!" It's all about His glory. Anything we desire more than His glory is idolatry. If we seek His glory above all else, then it becomes easy to trust Him. And when you say "why me?" it will be a whisper of gratefulness that He would choose us to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever.
"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."